Don't get between a Brit and his music. After all, this is the island that produced some the best music the world has ever seen (The Beatles, Led Ze...blah blah blah). They've also produced some of the worst (Spice Girls, Spice Girls, etc.). Regardless, Britons are rabid about their tunes.
Exhibit A: there is a somewhat large faction of British music fans that are fed up with the way their charts are dominated by pop tarts. Most of these pop tarts are from shows like Pop Idol or the X-Factor. Simon Cowell is involved with most of these shows. Therefore, the Brits have a huge hate on for Simon Cowell. In the eyes of many, he is the symbol of all that is wrong with British music.
So it comes as no surprise that the Brits with good taste don't want their ears sullied with the corporate crap that the popular X-Factor show churns out. It was last December that a Facebook group was formed by concerned British music lovers with the sole purpose of depriving Joe McElderry, last year's X-Factor winner, of the number one spot on the album charts for the week of Christmas (the Christmas Number One is a coveted accomplishment in the eyes of the British music industry. For example, towards the end of 1994, Noel Gallagher purposely wrote and recorded the song "Whatever" with Oasis strictly to add a "Christmas Number One" to Oasis' quickly growing resume (the song would reach #2)). The group decided to get as many people as possible to buy Rage Against the Machine's 1993 single "Killing in the Name" so that it would vault to number one and leave the X-Factor winner crying into Simon Cowell's sleeve. Their toppling of the X-Factor winner would be a victory over a "sterile pop monopoly". Their efforts would prove victorious - "Killing in the Name" went to number one during the week of Christmas 2010. This year, the Anti-X-Factor group has decided to use the iconic "Smells Like Teen Spirit".
It all seems so goddamn stupid. For some reason, Britons from all walks of life and musical tastes are obsessed with the charts. Perhaps it has something to do with generations of British music lovers growing up with the show Top of the Pops. Perhaps it's because the British have always embraced the single, while anyone in Canada born after 1990 has no idea what a b-side is. Whatever it is, these Brits see the charts as representing the modern state of British culture. A number of British music fans also hold an intense resentment for people like Simon Cowell and Simon Fuller, viewing them as the driving force behind tainted charts.
This obsession by some to "rid" the charts of shallow, manufactured pop music is ridiculous for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, why the fuck does it matter? Music charts simply track the sales (combined with radio spins in North America) of singles or albums. The music chart doesn't rank songs in order of greatness. No one is forcing anyone to listen to the Top 40 songs in the UK. No one is going to steal your iPod, put the top 100 UK singles of 2011 on it, then put it back on your desk (unless it's your 7 year-old daughter). If you're a British music fan and you're listening to Top 40 radio then you probably don't mind the X-Factor winner taking the Christmas Number One. If you don't listen to the Top 40 then why should it matter to you?
Secondly, the music charts - particularly the UK charts - have always been a little screwy. The Anti-X-Factor crowd would have you believe that things just aren't what they used to be. According to them, the charts used to be filled with wonderful indie anthems and plastic crap was on the outside looking in, where it belonged. If only we could go back to the days of 1996 - the high middle Britpop ages - when the following great tunes were the 10 best-selling of that year:
Spice Girls - Wannabe
Fugees - Killing Me Softly
Babylon Zoo - Spaceman
Spice Girls - 2 Become 1
Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There
Mark Morrison - Return of the Mack
Gina G - Ooh Ahh...Just a Little Bit
Baddiel/Skinner/Lightning Seeds - Three Lions
Toni Braxton - Un-Break My Heart
Children - Robert Miles
You see? Now that WAAAAAHHHH??? Not exactly a list of world-beaters. Babylon Zoo is the only rock band on that list, but they fucking blew. Gina G is a pop tart in the vain of any X-Factor winner and the Three Lions song was written by a couple of comedians as the anthem for England during the 1996 Euro Soccer Championship. What's notable is the dominance by the Spice Girls, who happened to have been managed by none other than Pop Idol creator Simon Fuller...DUN DUN DUN.
So maybe I picked a bad year. After all, the Spice Girls were an unstoppable force at the time, and they occupy three of the top ten spots. Fine. So how about the first week of 1993, when grunge was starting to crest, especially in the UK:
Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
Michael Jackson - Earth Song
Charles and Eddie - Would I Lie To You
Take That - Could It Be Magic?
WWF Superstars - Slam Jam
Shame - Phorever People
Boney M - Boney M Megamix
Rod Stewart - Tom Taulbert's Blues
Gloria Estefan - Miami Mix
Lisa Stanfield - Someday (I'm Coming Back)
Jesus Christ, this doesn't get any better. I mean, where would modern music be without the influential and transcendent sound of....WWF Superstars (???). Or Boney M. Shit, forget Pearl Jam or Nirvana. Rod Stewart is the real champion of early 90s alternative.
Yes, I took the best-selling of the first week of 1993 after I had previously shown the best-selling of the entire year of 1996 (I couldn't find the 1993 data for the entire year) but you get the point. The charts are always going to be littered with crap. That's how it is. Millions of people will always suck back crap music for the same reasons that the Fast and the Furious films have grossed over 1 BILLION DOLLARS (no, REALLY). Garbage will always sell if it's packaged properly.
So, ease up Britons. If you go to the charts to see what's good in the world of music and you aren't a 13 year old girl or someone in the industry, then you're stupid to begin with. If you don't need a chart to tell you what to like then why does it matter? There will always be crap on the charts no matter how many Facebook groups are formed to bump an X-Factor grad. There will always be a Simon Cowell ready to pounce on the casual listeners out there and make loads of cash off the backs of hokey karaoke contest winners. That's the way it is, and this shouldn't bother anyone. My advice to my limey brethren: GET OVER IT.
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